It is amazing I can do any writing. Since the installation of the bird feeder outside my window, my desk looks like this:
I AM A SUCCESS AS A PATIENT
I report that my fun experience with my knee, lying on the floor at the bottom of the stairs writhing in pain, has not permanently crippled me. Thanks to Robert's insistence that I stay off it for two whole days, it got better much faster than I imagined it could. I still feel pangs so I am babying it, in hopes of being completely fine by the time we take off on our Euro/Asian trip next month. The injury, along with a bout of sinus agony, has caused me to miss several of my writing and acting group meetings, but I think I'm ready to rejoin the creative fray. (Wait a minute! Who writes crap like "bout of sinus agony" and "rejoin the creative fray?" Did somebody put something in my coffee?)
I AM A FAILURE AS A DRUG ADDICT
Perhaps as a result of having few and infrequent medical issues and a naturally high pain threshhold, it never occurs to me to take medicine. I forget it exists. I probably ingest four aspirin a year, and I have never gotten the hang of remembering to eat vitamins.
But recently my doctor surprised me, telling me I have a pre-osteoporosis condition. Now I have to take a pill once a week that has to be taken at the same time, before any other food, while sitting or standing, AND I have to take twice-daily doses of Vitamin D and calcium for a year, to see if the condition reverses itself. I know how important it is to have strong bones, especially if you are an idiot who amuses herself by jumping off stair railings and tumbling down stairs.
In spite of my good intentions, days go by before I realize I can't remember when I last took my pills. I have tried everything-- a post-it on the bathroom mirror. A note on the fridge door. Vitamin bottles in the bedroom, kitchen and bathroom. A big plastic compartmented box with the days of the week printed on it, smack in front of the coffee maker. But still, I get involved in my morning tasks, and I forget.
But there is a morning task I could not forget if I wanted to, because my cats won't let me. At about six a.m., the mewling and frantic scratching begins. To keep Twerpy from actually digging through or UNDER our bedroom door, I have had to resort to screwing a sheet of tin to the floor, and repeated applications of duct tape. Handsome, huh? It is not even worth DREAMING about replacing the carpet as long as he is alive. Here's some of Twerp's handiwork:
All cats abhore a closed door.
The reason Twerp is so frantic to get to me is because he fears I may forget his morning COOKIES! My cats have a self-feeder stocked with dry cat food and water, but somebody (Damn you, Dee!) gave me a gift of cat treats, and somehow, these have become my cats' expectation. Twerp will not stop chattering and whining until I parcel them out on the kitchen floor. Last week I said to him, "Here! Take your damned shut-up pills!"
Voila! I have not forgotten my vitamins since!
I AM ONLY SO-SO AS A SAVIOR OF HAITIAN VEGANS
It is my nature to keep busy so I look around for volunteer opportunities. I saw something on our city website asking for people to donate to a bake sale to benefit Haiti. So I e-mailed and asked what I could contribute. The organizer suggested I whip up a batch of my favorite recipe for delicious vegan cookies.
Some people might argue that "delicious" and "vegan" don't belong in the same sentence together. [If you don't know, vegan is a more extreme form of vegetarianism where even products like honey and milk, that don't require the death of an animal, are not eaten.] I said, "Wow! My extensive collection of delicious vegan recipes is so vast, it's hard for me to choose one!" (I didn't really say that, I just asked her for a suggestion) and she offered a recipe for some molasses cookies. I had all the ingredients, and made a batch.
They looked good, but smelled funny to me. I checked the ingredients I had used, including the canola oil, because I feared it might have gone rancid. I use very little oil generally and it can go bad fairly quickly. Robert thought it smelled fine but I wanted to be on the safe side. I bought new stuff and tried it again. A better result.
I was happy to make a contribution to a good cause and the Vegans for Haiti ladies were very happy with my offering. The little creatures in my yard are a different story. I put the first batch of cookies in the feeders. Squirrels pick them up, smell them, then knock them out of the feeder with their hind feet! Skunks, on their nightly rounds to the grounds below the feeders, have not yet bothered to pick them up! I am either the worst cookie baker in the world, or there are more anti-vegan animals out there than you would think.
Next week is my comedy show fund raiser. I feel optimistic! I would love SO MUCH to make a couple thousand bucks for the shelter. Cross your fingers for good weather on Thursday and a happy, generous (and drunk!) crowd!
I am also going to speak to some school kids about becoming writers. I sent off for forty copies of my book (because I can sell and ship it for about half of the website price) but they were lost in transit and I am so grumpy about that. The publisher won't do anything about it for six weeks so I am stuck with only about eight books to sell and lots of missed opportunities. Grump! Grump! Grump!
That's all for now! Drop a line!
F and R